What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 07:27
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was scared of men, in general
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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This is soul school!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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I write beautiful poetry .
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Molestiae quas aut aut quisquam eum aut.
We were not on the streets..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was seconnd youngest,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im still living with it.
Do Flat Earthers exist today? If so, where do they live?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was 9 years of age.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I have no regrets .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Do they have internet in hell? Most people on here seem like damned souls or demons.
I don,t even have a pension.
My family never makes their pension either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I will be 64.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Ive learnt so much.
I waited trembling.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Put me off passion for life!!
She married twice! .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I think the readers, may guess!
He knew the spot.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So whats the point in blame.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
What did i know ?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She was in good health!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I said to her
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But, we were locked up after school.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So, i spoilt her more .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
(And it was in our own minds.)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was very sick at this time too.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She found it foreign!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She wouldn,t have been !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When she asked me how she looked .
All the time i was locked up.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My life is so biszare .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Comes on , in middle age.
It was going to be , some day.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And i lived it daily.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One cannot live in the past .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She loved him until the end.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Who then, do I blame.?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But it wasn’t much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Would this be the day?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.